The verse everyone loves to quote starts at Ephesians 5:22. “Wives, submit to your husbands.”
But here’s what most people miss: that’s not where the sentence actually begins.
What does the Bible say about submission in marriage? Ephesians 5:21 says “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” It’s the thesis statement for everything that follows. The instructions to wives, husbands, children, and slaves all flow from this foundational call to mutual submission.
But in much of church history, especially in modern complementarian teaching, the emphasis has been placed almost entirely on verse 22 while verse 21 gets glossed over.
What Does The Bible Say About Submission In Marriage?
I spent years in seminary studying Greek, and when you look at the original text, something fascinating happens. And while I’d never claim to be a Greek scholar I did come away with a better understanding of the original language. The Greek word for “submit” (hypotassō) doesn’t even appear in verse 22 in the earliest manuscripts. It’s borrowed from verse 21.
Read it this way: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ—wives to your husbands, husbands sacrificially loving your wives as Christ loved the church.”
This isn’t a hierarchy. It’s a picture of two people laying down their lives for each other.
The problem is we’ve emphasized the wife’s submission while treating the husband’s sacrificial love as optional. We’ve turned what should be mutual surrender into one-sided obedience. And that distortion has destroyed countless lives.
I watched a friend stay in her marriage for years after multiple affairs, clinging to the idea that her submission would somehow save it. The theology we’d both been taught said the wife’s role was to submit regardless of the husband’s behavior. As if the verse that comes before—about mutual submission—simply didn’t exist.
When Submission Becomes Dangerous
Here’s what I couldn’t see for years in my own marriage: when submission is demanded rather than freely given, when it exists without the husband’s corresponding call to sacrificial love, it becomes a weapon.
Financial control masquerading as “headship.” Emotional manipulation justified by “biblical authority.” Physical abuse excused because questioning his decisions would be “rebellious.”
The research is clear: complementarian theology, because it privileges male voices over female voices, creates an environment where abuse can flourish. As historian Beth Allison Barr documents, we can no longer deny the connection between hierarchical gender theology and patterns of abuse in Christian communities.
It’s not that complementarianism causes abuse. It’s that complementarian theology, because it privileges male voices over female voices and excludes women from leadership, allows abuse to flourish.
– Beth Allison Barr
The tradwife movement packages this theology in aesthetic Instagram posts and sourdough recipes, but underneath the cottage core aesthetic is the same old patriarchal interpretation that’s been used to trap women for generations.
Scripture never intended submission to be about one person having authority over another. The bulk of responsibility in Ephesians 5 isn’t placed on the wife—it’s placed on the husband, who’s called to the impossible standard of loving as Christ loved the church.
Christ, who gave up everything. Christ, who washed feet. Christ, who died.
That’s the standard for husbands. Not “be in charge.” Not “make the final decisions.” Die to yourself.
Recent research shows that complementarian frameworks can operate as a form of coercive control, reducing wives’ autonomy under the guise of biblical authority. When theology creates environments that normalize gendered power imbalances, we need to ask hard questions about what we’re really teaching.
What Submission Actually Looks Like
Biblical submission in marriage looks like two people asking “how can I serve you?” Two people laying down their preferences for the good of the other. Two people submitting their marriage to Christ rather than one person submitting to another’s will.
It’s supposed to be mutual, voluntary, and reciprocal.
When it’s not—when submission is demanded from the wife while the husband claims authority without accountability—that’s not biblical marriage. That’s abuse wearing a Bible verse.
I know this challenges what many of us were taught. I know it feels uncomfortable to question teachings we’ve built our lives around. Questioning doesn’t make you less faithful—sometimes it’s the most faithful thing you can do.
The Real Question
The question isn’t “should wives submit to their husbands?” The question is “are we reading Ephesians 5:22 while ignoring Ephesians 5:21?”
Because the verse before the famous submission verse changes everything.
Submit to one another.
Not wives to husbands. Not weaker to stronger. Not less educated to more powerful.
To one another. Mutually. Together.
That’s what Scripture actually says about submission in marriage. Not the comfortable cultural Christianity that keeps women in line, but the radical mutual surrender that reflects Christ’s love for the church.
And if your marriage doesn’t include that mutuality—if submission only flows one direction—that’s not God’s design. That’s patriarchy wearing a cross.
This post is part of a series examining how Scripture gets weaponized to support cultural traditions rather than liberation. Read the full analysis in So You Want to Be a Tradwife? A Biblical Reality Check.
Want to dig deeper?
Recommended Reading: Egalitarian Perspectives on Women & Marriage
Essential Foundations:
- The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr – A historian traces how “biblical womanhood” became gospel truth through cultural developments rather than Scripture itself
- 10 Lies the Church Tells Women by J. Lee Grady – Exposes how cultural bias and misinterpretation have kept women in spiritual bondage
- Vindicating the Vixens edited by Sandra Glahn – Sixteen scholars revisit misunderstood women in the Bible, showing God’s heart for the marginalized
Accessible & Personal:
- Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey – A beautiful, intimate exploration of how following Jesus leads to feminism
- A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans – Hilarious and profound look at what happens when we take “biblical womanhood” literally
Scholarly Resources:
- Discovering Biblical Equality (3rd Edition) edited by Ronald W. Pierce & Cynthia Long Westfall – Comprehensive academic treatment of egalitarian perspectives
- Paul vs. Women by Cynthia Long Westfall – Fresh look at Paul’s view of women in ministry and marriage
Historical Perspective:
- The Bible vs. Biblical Womanhood by Philip B. Payne – Shows how God’s Word consistently affirms gender equality when read in context
Complementary Title:
9. Recovering from Biblical Manhood & Womanhood by Aimee Byrd – Former complementarian examines how the movement has harmed the church