Is Divorce Always Wrong?
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you believed God wanted you to endure hardship rather than escape it? Where religious teachings seemed to be telling you to stay and suffer for the sake of a commitment?
I’ve been there too. Today, I want to share a deeply personal part of my story, one that might help someone walking a similar path find the permission they’ve been seeking to make a difficult decision.
The Faith Struggle of Leaving a Marriage
For years, I wrestled with a question that consumed me: Could leaving my marriage be God’s will for me? Every time I stepped into a church during that difficult period, I felt like the sermon was speaking directly to me—telling me it was time to leave. But I kept questioning it.
How could that message possibly be from God? Doesn’t God hate divorce? Isn’t marriage supposed to be forever?
I’d sit there in the pew wrestling with what I was hearing, wondering if I was just interpreting things to fit what I wanted to hear. The tension between what I felt God saying and what I’d been taught about marriage created a spiritual vertigo that left me dizzy and disoriented.
Some nights I would lie awake, tears soaking my pillow, praying desperately for clarity. “God, if you really want me to leave, you’re going to have to make it unmistakably clear,” I would whisper into the darkness. “I can’t trust my own judgment anymore.”
Have you ever been in that place? Where you question whether the voice you’re hearing is God’s, your own wishful thinking, or something darker altogether?
“Till Death Do Us Part” – A Different Understanding
After years of struggle, a pastor friend sat me down for a conversation that changed everything. I can still remember the coffee shop where we met, the weight of my wedding ring on my finger as I twisted it nervously, waiting for another well-meaning lecture about perseverance.
Instead, she looked me in the eyes and said something I’ll never forget: “‘Till death do us part’ doesn’t always mean a physical death. He’s broken every vow he ever made to you, Hope. Your marriage is dead, and if you don’t get out, you might be too.”
Those words pierced through years of confusion and guilt. What my pastor friend helped me understand was that God does not hate all divorce. There are several grounds for divorce mentioned in Scripture that go beyond what many of us have been taught including “adultery, sexual immorality, and abandonment, emotional and physical abuse” (Life-Saving Divorce).
This realization was both freeing and terrifying. Could it be that God was actually directing me toward safety rather than asking me to stay and endure? What would it mean for my faith if everything I thought I understood about God’s view of marriage was incomplete?
When God Leads You Out
I had always believed that God’s calling was to persevere through difficulty. After all, doesn’t Scripture tell us to endure suffering? To take up our cross? To remain faithful? Richard Rohr writes about how we often confuse “necessary suffering” with “unnecessary suffering” – the former shapes us, while the latter simply damages us.
But I began to see something different in Scripture. God never asks us to remain in situations that threaten our very lives. In fact, cases of abuse—whether physical, emotional, or financial—can be understood as a form of abandonment, where the abusive spouse has already broken the covenant.
Jesus does not want his followers living in abusive situations. All forms of abuse—physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual—are unacceptable in a Christian marriage.
How do we reconcile this with passages about endurance and suffering? Perhaps by understanding that God’s desire is for our redemption, not our destruction. As Rachel Held Evans once wrote, “God is in the business of bringing dead things back to life, so don’t worry about holding a living thing in your hand and calling it dead. God can either resurrect it or use it to fertilize something new.”
I started to understand that God wasn’t disappointed in me for considering divorce—He was actively leading me out of a destructive situation. His direction wasn’t always what I expected, but it was perfectly aligned with His purpose of protection and redemption.
The Traditional Teaching vs. What Scripture Actually Says
Many of us have been taught that divorce is always wrong except in very specific circumstances. But what if our understanding has been incomplete? What if we’ve been focusing on isolated verses without considering the broader narrative of God’s protection of the vulnerable?
While Scripture shows God’s ideal for marriage, it also shows His permission for divorce in several places—including situations of various forms of abuse, although we often miss these references because we’re not looking for them.
Pastoral care should include recognizing that in cases of abuse—whether physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual—the abuser has essentially deserted the covenant of marriage, creating an environment that isn’t safe. Some biblical scholars argue that various forms of abuse constitute a kind of “sexual immorality” (porneia) or abandonment that are recognized biblical grounds for divorce.
Have you ever considered that sometimes God’s direction might lead you away from what religious culture tells you is right? That sometimes the most faithful thing you can do is leave, not stay?
For too long, I had misunderstood God’s heart on this matter. I had believed that staying was always the more spiritual choice, when in reality, when a spouse makes the home a dangerous place through any form of abuse, that’s not the fault of the innocent party.
Finding Peace with a Difficult Decision
Making the decision to leave was not easy. It came after years of prayer, counseling, and desperate attempts to make things work.
One afternoon, sitting in my car after yet another counseling session where nothing had changed, I finally asked myself a question that shifted everything: “What would happen if I truly believed that God actually loves me in the way the husband is called throughout scripture to love his wife?”
It seems simple now, but in that moment, it was revolutionary. If God loved me sacrificially, tenderly, and protectively—the way a husband is called to love his wife—then He wouldn’t want me destroyed in the name of preserving a marriage that had become harmful.
Once I understood that God wasn’t asking me to stay in a marriage that was destroying me, I found a peace I hadn’t known in years. This doesn’t mean the process was simple or painless. Divorce is always complex and painful. But knowing that I wasn’t betraying God by seeking safety made all the difference. I wasn’t violating my faith—I was following God’s direction to a place of healing.
What decision are you facing that seems to contradict traditional religious teachings? Could God be leading you toward safety rather than asking you to endure?
If You’re Struggling With This Decision
If you’re in a similar situation, wrestling with whether God could possibly be leading you out rather than asking you to stay and endure, here are some thoughts that might help:
- God values your safety and well-being. He doesn’t glorify needless suffering or ask you to remain in dangerous situations. The God who counts the hairs on your head (Luke 12:7) cares deeply about your physical and emotional wellbeing.
- Seek wise counsel from people who understand abuse dynamics. Find a pastor or counselor who has experience with these situations and can help you discern God’s leading. Not all religious advice is created equal—look for those who understand both Scripture and the psychology of abuse.
- Remember that abusers often use Scripture to control. They may twist biblical teachings about submission and divorce to keep you trapped. This is not how God intends His Word to be used. As Kristin Du Mez points out in “Jesus and John Wayne,” certain interpretations of Scripture have been used to maintain power rather than to liberate the oppressed.
- Your decision to leave doesn’t reflect a lack of faith. In fact, it may take more faith to follow God’s leading out than to stay where it’s familiar. Security isn’t always found in staying put—sometimes it’s found in the courage to move toward unknown territory.
- Healing is possible on the other side. God doesn’t abandon you when you make the difficult choice to leave an abusive situation. In fact, He walks with you toward restoration. As Barbara Brown Taylor writes, “Healing happens in the dark places too, not just in the light.”
These principles aren’t just theoretical for me—I’ve lived them. What part of this resonates most with your current situation?
A New Chapter of Healing
Today, I’m happily remarried with a beautiful toddler at home alongside three teenagers. If you had shown me this picture years ago, in the depth of my despair and fear, I would not have believed that happiness lay around the corner.
I still remember the first morning I woke up in my new apartment after leaving. The silence was deafening. No walking on eggshells. No bracing for the next emotional storm. Just quiet. I sat at my small kitchen table and cried—not from sadness, but from relief. God hadn’t abandoned me. He had led me out.
My story isn’t everyone’s story. Each situation is unique, and I would never presume to tell someone else exactly what God is leading them to do. But I do know this: sometimes God does lead us out, not through. And when He does, He doesn’t abandon us on the journey.
If you’re wrestling with a difficult decision that seems to contradict traditional religious teachings, I encourage you to seek God’s heart with an open mind. He may be directing your steps in ways you never anticipated—not to harm you, but to lead you toward healing and restoration.
What step is God calling you to take today, even if it feels frightening or contradicts what you’ve always believed? Sometimes the bravest act of faith is walking away from what’s destroying you.
Have you ever felt God leading you in a direction that seemed to contradict religious teachings? How did you find peace with that decision? I’d love to hear your story in the comments below.
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